I am in one of my darker moods right now. Not a pit of despair, mind you. This is not depression. This is....well what has gotten me labeled goth through the years.
Dark, reclusive...I'd lock myself in my studio with my music and work all night if it weren't full of cats. I have an urge to either have an altered state of consciousness or cut myself right now. One of my secret thrills/secret addictions is self mutilation. I've not succumbed to it in years, but the need and desire is often there. Ever present...like my eating disorders. It's very hard to explain to those who don't do it...Reviving Ophelia has a good chapter on it, beyond being a fabulous book as a whole. I think every adolescent girl should read it...and any woman who never had the chance to. Secretary is a movie that addresses it in a very forward manner. Actually when my Love and I watched this movie together I turned to him at one point and said "that's what it feels like, that's why I do it" It's a shame that too many people focus on the bondage aspect of the movie. Am I revealing too much of myself...oh well. Like I've said...I've not cut in years. Mostly for the sake of my love.
Where was I going with all this. I just have an urge to walk away from work and all of this and just drown myself in music and art. Back like I use to before this horrible suburban rut I'm in. Perhaps it's the weather, or the time of year, or having gone off to New York to paint, or the moon and planets or whatever. I need to pull back from all this and find my spirit again. Find my art again. something...
sorry if this post wasn't what you expected...perhaps I'm starting to be myself again.