Wednesday, June 13, 2007

In the Darkness

I am in one of my darker moods right now. Not a pit of despair, mind you. This is not depression. This is....well what has gotten me labeled goth through the years.

Dark, reclusive...I'd lock myself in my studio with my music and work all night if it weren't full of cats. I have an urge to either have an altered state of consciousness or cut myself right now. One of my secret thrills/secret addictions is self mutilation. I've not succumbed to it in years, but the need and desire is often there. Ever present...like my eating disorders. It's very hard to explain to those who don't do it...Reviving Ophelia has a good chapter on it, beyond being a fabulous book as a whole. I think every adolescent girl should read it...and any woman who never had the chance to. Secretary is a movie that addresses it in a very forward manner. Actually when my Love and I watched this movie together I turned to him at one point and said "that's what it feels like, that's why I do it" It's a shame that too many people focus on the bondage aspect of the movie. Am I revealing too much of myself...oh well. Like I've said...I've not cut in years. Mostly for the sake of my love.

Where was I going with all this. I just have an urge to walk away from work and all of this and just drown myself in music and art. Back like I use to before this horrible suburban rut I'm in. Perhaps it's the weather, or the time of year, or having gone off to New York to paint, or the moon and planets or whatever. I need to pull back from all this and find my spirit again. Find my art again. something...

sorry if this post wasn't what you expected...perhaps I'm starting to be myself again.

4 comments:

Mouse said...

I totally get where you're coming from and I often feel like this...
I've had the urge lately to get pierced or tattooed again and I think its because I'm trying to find a "safer" way than the cutting I did when I was younger.

. . . Lisa and Robb . . . said...

Now, seems to be the early-summer of our discontent.

I'm busy mangling Shakespeare these days.

And painting dog kennels to look like Victorian Painted Ladies.

I miss you. I still want to hear all about that NY trip.

Smooches,
Lisa

Rachel said...

I know how you feel too, I just want to stay at home and not talk to anyone and just do my own thing. Its hard when your married and have kiddos to do that.

I think the stars are not aligned right or something because its messing A LOT of people up right now and I know of quite a few people who are having a hard time.

By the way, congrats for not cutting in a long time. That is something to be proud of.

MsFortuknit said...

Rachel was just telling me this the other day about the stars... take comfort in the fact that your not at all alone in this. Secretary was a really powerful movie I own it and make everyone I know watch it. Its good that you have the knowledge that youve been able to make steps away from cutting.

Goth Bless sistah!

Stay strong!