Tuesday, May 21, 2013

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

I think I'm starting to understand how Dorothy felt. I feel like normal has been ripped away from me and I've been trying to get my new footing. But it seems like every time I do the landscape shifts.

But now the work season is done and I have a little time to regroup. I can't tell you how many posts I've started and then not posted because by the time I could finish them their relevance was a bit dated. One of the hardest things I am struggling with is the fatigue. I get so frustrated that by 5pm I am wiped out and many of those days the hubby is working late and I still have 3 hours to go before the kids are in bed. I'm often in bed right after them. It's hard enough to accomplish things with how distractible I am, without losing hours of productive time. It's even more frustrating when a task wears you out so that even if you have the time, you are too exhausted to accomplish anything. I remember sitting there one night with my crochet in my hands and the hook was too damn heavy for me. A stupid crochet hook (size G for those wondering).

I was discussing this with a friend's husband. She's in a similar field (theatrical carpenter) and pregnant. I was explaining how that as women we have to work so much harder to be regarded as competent, let alone respected. It's very, very difficult for us to admit to any limitations. It feels as if we admit we need to step back a little, whether it is from illness or pregnancy or injury, we will lose all that we have struggled to earn and be immediately labelled as weak and helpless...and useless. It's frustrating and has been one of my biggest struggles of late. With pregnancy it is one thing...after you start to show it becomes a little more acceptable (sometimes). The problem is that MS is an 'invsible' disease. Yeah I look fine, but I'm not. Sometimes when people comment on how good I look it feels as if they are accusing me of not really being sick. It's a weird place to be in.

I'm trying to find the new normal. And I'm frustrated that I get so little done each day. I've got big plans (I always do) and they seem so much farther now.

So anywho....I guess I needed to get that off my chest. I'm planning a redesign of the blog but is seems you need to be awake for that to happen. I'll be off contract soon and it looks like the summer gig fell through. But that's what happens when the company wants the project done for less than half of the bid. They are falling into the category of "Bat-shit Crazy" if they think it can be done for that little. It's not a project I really wanted to work on but I really wanted the paycheck. I'm currently picking up odd jobs here and there.
I'm hoping to make some headway in the home projects. We promised Little Dude a room re-do for his 5th birthday.  He want's a superhero room and how could I deny him that? We've found him a new bed, and he's picked a wall color. Before I can start painting, the husband needs to add a smoke detector to his room and we're pondering a ceiling light. We did that in his sister's room and I'm leaning towards it. Once that is done, I can paint and then go to town. I'll be doing a new bed quilt and I think instead of painting directly on his walls I'll paint a bunch of small canvases to look like comic book panels and then we can shift them around as desired.
On of the most important and desired projects is a tag sale. My step mother has offered to come out and organized it for me, which is totally her bag. So, over the next few weeks I will be going through everything in the house, and I mean EVERYTHING. I'm really looking to pare down to mostly essentials (crafting stuff excluded, of course). I'm not going to let sentiment make me hold onto things I really don't want. My esthetic has changed (and people who have no concept of me or my esthetic have bought me lots of crap) and it's time to let go. We just purged a ton of baby stuff and it feels so good. I'm looking to continue the trend.
I've a ton of pictures to upload and sort through. And a bunch of fun smaller projects in various stages.
So that's what's coming down the pipeline...a redesign, some fun projects and with luck more and more blogging.

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